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The Colbert Report/Episode/540
Production Info |- |} |- |} Intro Clarence Thomas And The Court * It's no secret that Dr. Colbert is a role model ** puts his name on the safest five-hour energy drink for kids, ** Funergy * it's like carbonated ritalin (in that it's carbonated ritalin) ** it may have been passed out before the shot to Stephen's Mob * Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas did his part to inspire the kids of America ** spoke to the winners of a high school essay contest *** theme was "Agree with Justice Scalia in 500 words or less" *** there's a proliferation of rights (as if they gave them to everybody) * Thomas asked, "shouldn't there at least be equal time for our bill or obligations and our bill of responsibilities?" ** Dr. Colbert agrees and asks further why they aren't given equal time, suggesting it's not because they don't exist ** just not written down * Articles of Obligation ** if you got time to lean, you've got time to clean ** employees must wash hands ** if you want to go to the mall, bring little sister * Articles of Responsibility ** bring enough gum for everyone ** pretend to know about sports ** never stare at the man in the next urinal * some Americans believe we are owed things (like rights) ** Clarence Thomas, one of the nine greatest judicial minds in the country, believes the dishwasher is a miracle * fascination with major appliances ** called his time on the court "an ordeal" ** told the students, :::"That's one thing about this job, you get a little tired." (March 31, 2009) * Dr. Colbert suggests giving him the job he wants: Maytag repairman ** lifetime appointment ** sit around not asking any questions ** don't have to ask a lot of questions ** replace him with a dishwasher (KitcheAid Architect Series II) *** must know where it sits regarding Roe v. Cascade *** and Brown v. Cutting Board of Education Banks & Regulations * Dr. Colbert is not a fan of regulation ** let the market decide whether we should genetically modify corn until it can speak through its niblets * America has come to a new understanding about the role regulations should play in our economy * after Jimmy played several contradictory clips of people supporting/opposing regulations ** Dr. Colbert admitted that he has never been as confused as when his accountant told him he could save money by giving it away to charity * a way for regulations and the free market to get along: ** Tonight's Word: Have Your Cake And Eat It, Too * credit is harder to come by than a brunette on Fox News * tough to get a loan from Bank of America ** easy to get a loan from "Bank of Shifty-Looking Armenian Guy In A Track Suit" * Payday loans! ** 400%-800% ** great for anyone who gets a weekly 2,000% pay raise * Illinois Representative Luis Gutierrez ** introduced the "Payday Loan Reform Act of 2009" * Gutierrez used to want to ban payday loans ** but, now sees the virtue of reasonable regulations * changed his mind because he had no choice (Bullet Point suggested it was because Gutierrez is an Illinois politician), * Gutierrez described payday loan companies as ** powerful whose influence should not be underestimated ** his top contributor was a payday loan company *** they only meant to donate $20, but out of habit, they charged themselves the usual interest * if Gutierrez's bill passes, it will end 800% interest rates on loans * loans will be limited to 780% * Dr. Colbert likes the bill because it legitimizes payday loan industry ** nominal oversight * After the bill is passed a payday loan recipient will still feel as though a debt-pineapple is being shoved up their ass ... ** but, they can rest assured that the pineapple meets the strictest federal guidelines * great example for regulation everywhere * Dr. Colbert urges limitations be put on how much dioxine can be dumped into America's waterways to 5,000 barrels a day--better yet, 7,500 barrels a day would be okay ** Stephen doesn't want too tell dioxin how to run their businesses (they're a sponsor) * there's no reason why we can't regulate harmful practices that pleases everyone * one thing that's clear ** it's the industry's cake and the consumers can eat it NASA Node Naming! * kid in candy store who's having a space station node named after him ** because he's having a space station node after him * took cough syrup ** he feels like he's floating * Colbert won NASA's online voting ** second was Serenity ** in last place with 7 votes was "Fart Monkey" (Dr. Colbert submitted it 7 times) * This is democracy ** demonstrate bold and noble challenges *** everyone voted to launch the chimps first * save from Zombie Dragon Onslaught * Deputy Chief spent 195 days in the ISS * Sunita Williams ** NASA bio * gets gamey in the ISS after a while ** everyone smells each other it's all right * ran the first marathon in space * NASA Node 3 will be called "Tranquility" * Stephen was assured his name will be in space ** in a very important place * to be launched * Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill ** everyone will communicate * running on the treadmill will power the space station * the Node is just the box for the treadmill Interview * Susie Orbach ** book: "Bodies: Big Ideas/Small Books" * think of our bodies differently; everyone should be more self-conscious * her book doesn't have pictures * we have problems with our bodies * an anti-diet book * myth of obesity * Dr. Colbert has been to the Midwest, Cheesecake factory ** the legends are true * George Clooney's ego tips the scales * if we can't obsess with our bodies, what can we obsess about? * layers of pant * other things to worry about aren't worthwhile because we're fat and ugly * she doesn't worry because she has an English accent ** she can use to lose a few pounds * Colombia has more plastic surgery than Americans ** and Brazilians * Dr. Colbert doesn't want people to feel bad about themselves * if she drops 5 pounds, she could have been on The Daily Show Epilogue * Dr. Colbert wishes everyone (and Helen) a good night! 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